Why You Never Shoot a Sitting Duck

Good Morning and welcome to Later Day Heroes. Today we are fortunate enough to have with us the current Olympic Skeet Shooting gold medallist Lord Robert Crust. Lord Crust has won this medal in three consecutive games; a magnificent achievement.

Welcome to the show.

Good morning and thank you. Pleasure to be here old man.

Our first caller is Mrs Waghorne of Streatham. What is your question for Lord Crust?

ii The Mornings First Call

Hello, am I on the air?

Yes, please ask your question, Lord Crust can hear you.

Oh. Good morning Sir.

[happy] Good Morning Madam.

Why do you have to shoot all them helpless little birds? That’s not sport that’s murder that is. Killing all those little skeet just so’s you get a medal. Criminal it is.

[confused] Madam?

How many of them have you killed eh? Tell us that.

[laughing, irritated] Madam please…

Some hero you are killin’ little skeet’s for pleasure. I bet you don’t even eat them. Heartless that’s what that is.

[serious] Madam.

Shameful a grown man like you. You should set an example you should, what with your title an’ all. ‘Stead of shooting helpless creatures for fun.

[angry] Madam. You are misinform…

Galavantin’ round with your medals for dead skeet’s instead of conservationism. Terrible. What good does it do eh? Answer me that if you can.

[conciliatory] Madam, please.

Shameful it is.

[neutral] Madam, the skeet is a terrible bird, a woeful blight on our landscape. It is an uninvited immigrant. The birds are highly destructive and once installed in a habitat they push out all native wildlife and turn a wide area around their nest sites into a veritable wasteland. There have no native predators, except man, and therefore I shoot them on site as a matter of policy and of national pride.

But you must leave many wounded birds to die a horrid death. That’s needless suffering.

[haughty] Madam, it is my contention that the only good skeet is a dead skeet. Therefore, I rarely miss. They are a terrible menace in certain quarters and must not be left unchecked.

Oh, but the waste of all them little birds shot to death.

[important] Madam I can assure you that there is no waste. They are quite inedible, even by dogs, and are best left where they fall. One should not bemoan their deaths but rejoice their extermination. Instead of berating me, however well meaning your triad maybe, you should thank me for leading the way in eradicating these “little birds” from our beautiful countryside.

Oh, sorry. When you put it that way – I see. Yes, thank you very much Sir.

[smugly] Madam, you are most welcome. Goodbye.

Goodbye Sir.

This poem was written/submitted by BrokenCrust.